An important part of writing, is know when to give detail and when not to. If you want someone to evaluate your writing, line by line, and present you with specific, concrete changes you can make, then I can help.

The following is an excerpt from an excerpt of poorly written fan fiction.

"Blaise got up and followed her out of the great hall, draping his arm around her shoulders. my hands clenched into fists. He couldn’t have her. I wouldn’t let him. I got up and followed them."

This excerpt shows a tiny scene. Someone is leaving "the great hall", and another person--male, named Blaise--follows and puts his arm around her. The viewer is angered, and follows as well.

On its own, these ideas are not necessarily bad, and the plot of the segment can fit into most stories (especially if you change the name of "the great hall").

What other ideas are here?

A. Ownership of a person's will to choose.

This is important. It isn't just misogynistic, it's also not likely supported in the story itself. A person, of any kind, resents having other people tell them what to do. Therefore, we can easily conclude that the viewpoint character would be resented by the female character, were she to know the viewpoint character did not consider her feelings when deciding whether or not an apparent rival could "have" her.

If the viewpoint character is supposed to be sympathetic, then we have a problem. This is an unsympathetic way of thinking, and it's hard for anyone to sympathize with the viewpoint character, if they identify with the female character. As a consequence, we can't market this story to as many people, because it only connects with those who will not identify with the female character, and who also make a point to disregard the views of women when deciding their futures.

How can we change this, to strengthen the story, and also create a sympathetic viewpoint character? Firstly, let's get rid of the current response. Let's just not have the character say anything at all:

"Blaise got up and followed her out of the great hall, draping his arm around her shoulders. my hands clenched into fists. I got up and followed them."

To my mind this is a lot better. It reads faster, and also, because you offer the visual description of what occurred in the scene, you allow the reader to interpret the scene themselves. That's important for reading, as opposed to other forms of media, because when you read, you are co-creating the story with all of the parts you imagine. That interpretation, and the love of your own interpretation (the story you read, if you will), is part of why books even exist anymore. People love co-creating the story, and they just can't do it, if you're always telling them what to think.

B. Why did the viewpoint character follow the female character and Blaise?

Now that we've removed the viewpoint character's reflection on the scene, it's no longer obvious what's happening. In the context of a whole story, we could probably figure this out, but ever sentence should be as close to it's own story as possible (especially if you don't intend a stylistic effect).

What if we tried some alternatives?

"Blaise got up and followed her out of the great hall, draping his arm around her shoulders. I put down my napkin, and I put down my knife. Then I picked my knife back up and followed them."

Here, both of the added sentences imply their own scene. Putting down a napkin and a knife inside of a: "the great hall", implies being in some sort of educational eating hall setting. Now, as the reader, because we think of eating in a room with other people, we think of something we have done before, and have done often. This allows us to come up with many details we might have seen in such a place, and add those in to the story. Again, that's the important part of reading, that's the main reason people show up for it.

What about the extra half sentence? Picking the knife back up. With this action, we have implied the emotional state of the viewpoint character. You put a knife down with a napkin, it means you're standing up from a table. However, you pick a knife up right after you just put it down, and you follow a man out of a room, when he just followed a woman out of a room? That means you think someone might need to be stabbed.

The reader can be certain that the viewpoint character *expects* trouble. We don't know if there will be, we just have good reason to believe there could be. That *is* suspense. You know the information is important (how many people are going to get stabbed), and you know that you don't have the answer. The more important that information feels, and the closer you are to actually having it, and the closer you are to actually losing it/ not needing it, the more suspense the reader will feel. They don't even have to like the character. Our reader could be hoping the viewpoint character is about to get stabbed, and it would still be suspenseful for them, waiting to see if they would.

C. Punctuation matters

Punctuation matters, not because there's an actual significance to choosing the right letter or sign, but because people respond to repetition and consistency. You need to use conventional punctuation, because that's got the likeliest chance of being readable to most people, since it's what most people do *by convention*. If you have a reason in mind, then do change it to support that reason. If you can't explain why a choice is a good idea, and also why you can't substitute it for a different idea, then you don't know why you're doing it, and you should just stick with a conventional thing, because getting it right will be coincidental.

"Blaise got up and followed her out of the great hall, draping his arm around her shoulders. I put down my napkin, and I put down my knife. Then I picked my knife back up, and followed them."

(I added a comma to the last sentence. Just put a comma everywhere you'd stop to breathe. When the person reads it, that pause will occur in their head, and they will have an easier time reading it. Shakespeare is full of commas, and it's impossible* to read it without them.)

*this is an exaggeration, it's just difficult

Conclusion:

So, I've walked you through a few changes I would make to these two sentences, and why I'd make them. What you saw, is just a skill that I have after practicing it. If you think that skill can be helpful to you, regarding your work of fiction, then let me know.