I have an impeccably solid list of near superhuman abilities:
I can destroy nearly any product by accident.
I can smile genuinely nearly all the time.
I always open Kraft Mac N Cheese boxes correctly- by the pour tab.
I have an eye for art, but not one that's says dressing myself in checkers and plaids is bad.
I have a marginally good sense of humor. People say my puns are great, but I should put them to butter use.