Need something described? Great. Let me tell you about it.
Training & Qualifications
My only qualification is that I like writing amusing things, and if you need one of those, I'd love to write it for you.
My comedic influences are Douglas Adams, Strong Bad, not Will Ferrell, and an all-consuming existential dread with whom I occasionally get a beer.
I'll write anything, but my forte of late has been product/service descriptions. Below you'll find an example in the form of a description for a truck I sold on Craigslist.
1989 Ford F-150 XLT Lariat 4x4
There was a time in our fine country when trucks were trucks, cars were cars, and men were men. That time was 1989.
This is not a truck for the faint of heart, the yellow of belly, the silver of tongue, or the fans of pop country.
You've got questions? I've got answers:
WHAT IS IT? Son, it's a 1989 Ford F-150 XLT Lariat 4x4.
TIRES? 4 of em. Older, but with good tread, like your grandpa's boots.
AIR CONDITIONING? In a sense. The air in this beast is in a constant condition of shock and awe.
TITLE? Clean, in hand, and ready to change your life.
MILEAGE? This 27-year-old vehicle has a mere 131k miles. Rumor has it that she came off the assembly line in such glory that the original owner was too afraid to drive her for the first decade.
4-WHEEL-DRIVE? I said it was a truck, didn't I?
FUEL ECONOMY? I said it was a truck, didn't I?
CLUTCH? Funny you should ask, rebuilt it about 2 years ago.
ALTERNATOR? Replaced 2 years ago.
As is true of most vehicles from bygone days, this truck has some quirks:
+ Windshield's cracked. If that's a dealbreaker, you're in the wrong place.
+ If you take the key out of the ignition, the fuel pump stays running, so the key stays in the ignition. Which is fine, because the ignition isn't how you start this beast - previous owner installed a fancy under-dash starter button so you feel like James Bond, if James Bond were a real man.
+ Passenger window doesn't roll down. On the upside, the passenger window is not rolled down.
+ Only one rear speaker. Whoop-dee-doo.
+ The shift boot on the stick is somewhat detached from the floor, giving you an enhanced experience of the sounds coming from your engine.
+ Speedometer says 85, probably won't do 85. Instead of speeding, just leave your house on time.
+ Pulls a little to the right, like the ornery steed she is.
+ Hood release cable is detached and not popping hood. Can still open the hood if you have hands and a brain.
+ Will not fit in a compact parking space.
Selling because a family member handed me down an Envoy that is slightly easier to load small children around in, and has AC (I'm falsely attributing my need for AC to my daughters).
Would be a great first truck, if your kid is as badass as you wish you were.